Monday, March 29, 2010

The Perfect Match

Satire

Looking for someone special to share your life with? Just follow these simple tips!


It is indeed an uphill task all the way for many young gals trying to catch hold of the right 'g' these days -'guy' and 'grades', I mean! These girls really ought to concentrate on the second 'g', and wait for a while before embarking on a quest for the first one, if you ask me - there's so much to do in life before settling down!

Sigh. I can see my advice is falling on deaf ears, so here are a few tips that might at least help in making a sensible choice:

Tip #1. Do not spare a thought for the back-bencher in your Chemistry class whose stare is fixed on the beaker or Petri dish your teacher is holding. For one thing, he's not interested in the chemistry that you expect to arise between the two of you, though he may pledge so! Secondly, he'd turn out to be an awful bore bothering you in the kitchen with his weird ideas about how a different pot - bigger, smaller, wider, deeper - would help you cook better. He'd be terribly hard to please no matter what you do for him. What will you do with someone that fussy? Drop him like a hot potato while you still have a choice!

Tip #2. Are you considering the guy in your Biology class? Does his 'biology' impress you when he pushes that lock of mousse-applied hair off his forehead with his well-manicured hand, and smiles that drop-dead georgeous smile while tilting his head to fix his hypnotic gaze on you? Hmmm... I think he's too much of a narcissist to give you the attention you crave for your own beautiful curls and to-die-for smile! Do you really want to be always finding your cosmetic jars and bottles empty at the last minute, or struggling to win a smile contest with tough competition right at home? Surely not!

Tip #3. The born philosopher - though he may not be in your Philosophy class - is the one who stares into space as he talks about his big ideas for future. His hair is always messy and his clothes crumpled because he claims not to care much for such trivialities. He's one to watch out for, I tell you! He actually never listens to his Mom who would be just so glad to finally hand him over to you to teach him some manners! Trust me, you can't have him driving you crazy picking up after him while he runs around taking care of more important things like counting the stars, can you? Let his Mom deal with him...you don't want that responsibility!

Tip #4.. Okay, so the guy from the Gender Studies Department has caught your eye? I would rethink my options if I were you. He sure gives some fine fiery speeches advocating every girl's right to equality....but, Honey, all this slick-talk is only for the benefit of the one foolish enough to believe him! He's probably trying to appease his own conscience, or only making those speeches to ensnare you. In truth, as soon as you have solemnised the vows, he expects you to turn into quite the domesticated creature you abhor!!! And how do I know? Just drop by his home when he least expects you. You'll find him ordering about his little sister into running errands for him and driving his mother crazy telling her how lucky she is to have a son like him to carry on the family name! Move on, girl...there are definitely better possibilities to explore!

Tip #5. The Math class genius? Gosh no! Never ever, ever try to hook up with him! He will be forever calculating the pennies you spend and will know exactly how many seconds you spent extra talking to the fellow shopper when you should have shown more respect for time and money. You can forget about all the trips you've planned to the hair stylist or the beautician - he will be multiplying the number of hair cut with the amount of rupees you pay. He will also tell you without hesitation that you look no different now than when you went in for a makeover a good four hours ago, since you still have the same fuzzy head for numbers because of the huge sum you paid to your stylist! Sigh. Let him count his pennies alone.

Tip #6. The Psychology class sensitive soul? Hmm...I do admire his gentle mannerism, but there's always a danger he might become a little intrusive. If you're the motivated and career-oriented type, you could get into serious trouble. He would be constantly forcing you to embark on guilt-trips by asking you to take out some time for his birthday when you might have an important project on adjustment of frogs to a new habitat to work on. You wouldn't naturally want to spoil your work momentum either when he happens to fall down the stairs and break his leg. He will be definitely offended if you ask his mother to come and help clean up the mess ...er...I mean, take care of him...while you attend the seminar on gender-role stereotyping. Be wise now, and avoid the later heartache, dear.

Tip #7. The language class enthusiast you tend to connect with? Nooo! For Heaven's sake, girl, if there's one thing a gal must have an upper hand with it should be the ability to confuse the Significant Other into silence! Surely, the best of fights leave men nodding in agreement just because they can't make sense of it anymore! Why do you want to do away with that advantage? If he has the stamina to keep talking till the end, how can you ever have your way? That would be the ultimate disaster!

Oh, don't look so dejected, gals! I'm not saying no man is worth the trouble, but what's the big rush anyway? You have to take charge of your own life before you embark on such an important journey, you know. Let those Eager Specimens know that you're determined to take care of more important issues first and will bestow them with your attention at your own convenience!

Now... chin up, smile wide and get busy carving your future. Good Luck!



Published Feb, 09; You Magazine of The News.

2 comments:

  1. tahera, good advice for all young ladies , including miy daughters. it is a very smart and subtle message u gave. btw, is there any topic u can't write about?
    i read u r blog regularly and throughly enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you! I'm glad you got the message I was trying to impart...but the question is, did the young ladies I meant to reach got it or not??!

    I do think women need to understand themsleves and explore their potential before committing to a relationship as demanding as marriage.

    The readership for You magazine is mostly the younger lot, so I try to slip inside their minds when I write such a piece, but I don't know how successful I am.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing your views.